When I Stopped Waiting for You

In the seventh year of my marriage to Ethan, the hospital told me I was dying. In the little time I had left, I stopped caring where he went. I let him send what little remained of his paycheck to his mistress. I let him request a transfer to a remote town just because it was her hometown. I donated everything I owned and signed the divorce papers. While he dreamed of keeping both women, I spent every day thinking about how to leave. After the hospital gave me its final warning, Ethan’s mistress came looking for me. “You’ve known all along that there’s something going on between us, haven’t you?” She sounded certain. Contemptuous. There was pity in her eyes. “That bag you brought—is that the first gift he ever gave you?” “I can tell you treasure it.” “But he bought it for me. I didn’t want it because the style was outdated.” “You know he doesn’t make much, so he was going to return it.” “But then I thought about how you hadn’t even gotten a bouquet all these years. So I told him to take it home to you. I heard you were so touched you cried.” She watched me cruelly. “A man’s money goes where his heart is.” “Leave him. His heart isn’t with you. What’s the point of forcing him to stay?” I felt numb. I forced myself to keep asking. “Since you’re here, show me whatever else you have. Maybe you’ll get what you want.” She sighed, took out her phone, and played a recording. “If you don’t love her, why did you marry her?” “I needed a free housekeeper. And aren’t you planning to get pregnant? I can have her take care of you after the baby comes.” “Don’t worry. I’ll tell her I found her a job. She loves money so much, she’ll definitely agree.” “I’ll pay her, and the money will come right back to me. Everybody wins.” His voice was so clear that I couldn’t even lie to myself. This was what he really thought. When the recording ended, the screen dimmed, reflecting my expressionless face. “So that’s why he requested a three-year transfer to Ashford right after we finally rented a place here and his job settled down.” After he brought home the news, he refused to explain, no matter how often I asked. My wonderful mother-in-law had been convinced I’d put him up to it. Even then, I’d suspected he wanted the transfer. For his mistress, Lily. The two of them were no longer satisfied with sneaking around. And the transfer happened to be to Lily’s hometown, where they could openly live together as husband and wife. All for that. Ethan had so firmly decided to give up the position he’d spent years securing at a major company. To walk away from a promising career. True love, apparently. I lifted my head and studied this supposed true love. Her face was innocent and young. When she mentioned Ethan, her eyes filled with worship, as if he were some storybook hero riding to her rescue. Girls her age were so easy to fool.I pressed a hand to my aching stomach and curled into a more comfortable position in my chair. “You’re right. You’re the one he likes now.” “But my advice is to quit while you’re ahead. He only loves himself. Right now, you’re young, pretty, and easy to fool, so he treats you well. Give it a few years, and you’ll be the next me.” “A selfish, cruel man like that isn’t capable of love. I helped him grow up. I saw every ugly part of him, every humiliating moment of his past. He can’t feel powerful in front of me, so he doesn’t like me. He wants to get rid of me.” “Don’t end up like I did.” She wouldn’t end up like me. Because I was dying. I picked up some vegetables from a roadside stand and went home. The moment he saw me, he furtively turned his phone facedown. He didn’t need to hide it. He was terrible at covering his tracks anyway. I’d always known what he was doing. He stood and took the plastic bag from me. After looking inside, he froze. “Just vegetables? No meat? I was craving crab.” With his paycheck, he still expected expensive meals every day. The good food we used to eat had come out of my savings and earnings. Besides, almost all of his meager salary went toward gifts for Lily. We rented near downtown so he could sleep a few extra minutes. The rent alone nearly exceeded his paycheck. I could barely understand how I’d kept us afloat all these years. I’d said these things to him countless times. This time, I didn’t want to bother. “We have no money.” Maybe he felt guilty, because he didn’t press me. He obediently took the vegetables into the kitchen and handed them to his mother. When she saw how little I’d bought, she stormed out to yell at me. “You little bitch! You spent all my son’s money, and this is what you expect him to eat? How did we end up with such a wasteful woman?” “I should never have let you marry him. All these years, and you can’t even give him a baby! He ought to beat you to death!” I glanced at Ethan, standing silently nearby as usual, and laughed coldly. “I spent it all? Why don’t you ask your precious son where the money went?” “Flowers and designer bags every month. You must be loaded.” His mother had spent most of her life in the rural backcountry, clinging to her backward beliefs. I’d endured years of her baseless abuse. “And why do you think I never got pregnant?” “Because your precious son crushes up birth control pills and slips them into my water after we have sex.” At last, Ethan couldn’t stay silent. “I just don’t make enough right now. I was worried we couldn’t afford a child…” Before I could answer, his mother, who was desperate for a grandson, exploded.“You have the baby first, then figure it out! All a kid needs is food. You’ve been keeping her from getting pregnant over that?” Ethan snapped at her. “Raising a child isn’t that simple anymore! If you don’t understand anything, can you just shut up?” So he could stand up to his mother. He’d simply never wanted to do it for me. “Would you let me check your transfer history?” I turned my attention back to the real culprit. “Where did this month’s paycheck go?” Ethan hesitated. “Lily had a family emergency, so I…” I nodded in understanding. Apparently, we were supposed to live on air again. Afraid I wouldn’t let it go, he tried his usual trick: claiming he had to work overtime so he could stay at Lily’s. “Our expenses have been high lately. I need to work some extra hours. In the future, we’ll…” “There is no future,” I said flatly. “Let’s get divorced.” Ethan jerked his head toward me. He hadn’t expected me to say it so easily. He sounded angry. “Just don’t regret it.” Regret it? My only regret was not doing it sooner. He was the first person I’d ever loved, and I’d loved him with everything I had. I hadn’t understood games or manipulation. All I’d known was how to trust him and give him my whole heart. I’d spent seven years pouring my youth and effort into him, and this was what I got in return. He still chose to leave for “overtime.” But this time, he didn’t stay out all night. It was the early hours of the morning when I saw him again. I hadn’t been sleeping. I’d been calculating the little money I had left and making arrangements for my death. Then someone lay down beside me. “Still sulking?” His hand wandered over my body. I rolled away, leaving it grasping at nothing. He paused, then patiently tried to coax me. “I know you didn’t mean what you said today. You love me so much. How could you bear to leave me?” “We’ll have children eventually. Isn’t our life good now? Why do we have to have one right this minute?” The room was too dark for me to see his expression. So I got up and turned on the light. I looked at the lipstick mark on the back of his collar and gave a mocking smile. “Let’s get divorced.” My determination finally made him realize I meant it. He got up impatiently, pulling his clothes straight. “What the hell is wrong with you?” “Is your life too peaceful? You need to stir up trouble?” “I’m exhausted from working every day. I don’t want to deal with your little tantrums.” “Besides, at your age, with a marriage behind you, who else would want you?”His words carved into my heart like knives. So this was what he really thought. He believed I had no choice but him, which meant he could do whatever he wanted. Even then, I still held on to one last thread of hope. “Ethan.” I pressed a hand to my chest and lowered my head. “If I only had a month left to live…” He cut me off impatiently. “Why don’t you ask whether I’d still love you if you turned into a worm?” “Does it ever end, Claire? You’re a grown woman. Why are you still so childish?” “If you really have a terminal illness, go ahead and die.” He said it so casually. It was so absurd, it almost sounded like a joke. But I knew he meant it. We hadn’t even finished arguing when his phone rang. The moment he saw the caller’s name, all the irritation vanished from his face. He answered as he walked out. I could faintly hear a woman’s sweet, coaxing voice. Lily. She worked under him. Over time, they’d developed feelings for each other. With her, Ethan had rediscovered the energy and ambition of his youth. A junior manager with a little success, and a lost young woman fresh out of school. They’d hit it off and naturally fallen into an affair. Every time, he told me they were discussing work. There were no personal feelings involved. But he never seemed to notice how tender his expression became whenever he talked about Lily. I’d once been on the receiving end of that tenderness, before we married. Never afterward. Enough. I had to let go eventually. I had no choice. Ethan finished dressing and looked back. “Something went wrong with the project. I need to go back to the office. I won’t be…” I waved him off. “Coming home tonight? Do whatever you want. Take a weekday off soon so we can finalize the divorce.” This time, his brow furrowed deeply. He hesitated. “I’m working hard for our future, but… you’re not angry anymore?” Still pretending this was for our future? He really had no shame. I couldn’t be bothered to expose him again. No matter what I said, he always insisted they were nothing but coworkers. I rarely got angry over things like this anymore. Even the last time, when he’d abandoned me beside the highway on our way to my parents’ house because Lily wasn’t feeling well, I hadn’t really felt angry.Once, Lily and I both had high fevers that wouldn’t break. He took all my fever medicine to her and told me to drink more water. There had been so many incidents over the years that I couldn’t even be bothered to keep track. After all of it, I was completely exhausted. I wanted no part in this three-person love story anymore. But when I said I wasn’t angry, he wasn’t happy. He took the moral high ground and accused me. “The last project fell through because you wouldn’t let me go.” “I lost thousands in bonus money.” As if he’d been capable of closing that deal in the first place. Our competitors had been watching closely. I might not want him anymore, but I wasn’t taking the blame for that. “What, do all your business meetings happen at your assistant’s apartment?” “You left your messages open on the computer. You’d even pinned her invitation to dinner.” Lily couldn’t cook, but she had a housekeeper. As it happened, Ethan paid for that housekeeper. I couldn’t cook either, at first. To save money, I’d taught myself using online videos. I’d cut my hands so many times, leaving scar after scar. All the money I’d saved for him had gone to another woman. Ethan looked at me without a trace of shame. “Deals get made over dinner. You don’t understand these things.” He’d even convinced himself. I didn’t want to hear another word, so I hurried him along. “Just go. Wait any longer and who knows how many more presents she’ll talk you into buying.” His eyes flickered. “Stop sitting at home imagining things. It really is work. I’ll be back soon.” In the beginning, I’d truly believed he was going out for business. I’d sympathized with how hard he worked and taken care of every chore myself. Only now did I see that the man I’d been lifting up was worthless. The door closed. His footsteps slowly faded. I didn’t lie awake anymore. I didn’t wait. I slept soundly. As if I were getting used to eternal peace. I’d thought that once everything was out in the open, we could get divorced quickly and smoothly. But days passed without any divorce papers. I couldn’t even catch him in person. He’d started living elsewhere openly. Today, I’d had enough. I got the address from Lily and went straight there. “Could you wait until he’s divorced before playing happy couple?” “We can file today and finalize it in a month. It takes a little longer, but at least it’ll be legitimate.” “Or do you prefer the thrill of sneaking around?” Lily wanted me to make a scene so she could take my place as soon as possible. The moment she heard me outside, she rushed to let me in. For the first time, I entered his other home. An enormous wedding portrait of the two of them faced the entrance. The studio watermark belonged to the place I’d once decided was too expensive for us. Inside, Ethan was celebrating her birthday. The cake was huge and beautifully decorated. Someone had clearly put thought into buying it. I held back my anger. “So this is what you mean by being busy with work.”